CraigslistDisslist

by: LosAngelesProseur

Dating in LA isn’t hard. It’s super easy if you like boys in dior sunglasses and 80 dollar t-shirts with unnecessary Chinese dragon graffiti ‘art’ plastered all over them. It’s even easier if you want to date a boy who is in a shitty rock ‘band’ with a messenger cap, painted on jeans and an eating disorder. No, it’s not hard at all. It’s just impossible to do if you have standards.

I don’t even think I’m snobbish, per se, I would just like to go on a date that comes with a normal – symmetrical – haircut and without hectic and embroidered back jean pockets. Is that even considered a ’standard’? I always just thought that was using my fucking common sense. Then again, I WAS raised outside of Berkeley which, simply translated, means I speak a different language than many a dweller down here. With words that include ‘nature,’ ‘trees,’ and ‘hillary clinton,’ my vocabulary tends to leave your typical los angeleno with a facial expression that resembles a look you’d find on a confused rehab patient with two days off of various analgesic drugs.

Not ONCE have I responded to a personal ad on craigslist. considering how much time i spend on that vortex of a website, the latter statement appears to be one so implausible that it’s up there with the almost trite “I never do this on a first date” lie that some way too hot drunk chick tells you as she unbuttons your pants (while one hand is tied behind her back and the other is texting her friend) and gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had. Just an FYI, fellas – as a general rule, all girls who give great head on the first date are liars and will definitely do one of two things:

1. break your heart.
2. sleep with a stuffed animal on their bed.

Not me, though. I never give good head on the first date. only horrific head. the part of me that needs therapy truly believes that using my teeth shows how honest i am and that i will make a really great mother someday.

ANYWAY,

So, I spent all day at work yesterday perusing the ‘men seeking women’ section on craigslist. This is what I have to choose from here in los angeles:

“hello, let’s have the sex that is the funny joke – 25″ (not sure if this is some line from a movie that I don’t know about because I’m no longer 15 and boring, but not a single part of me is even remotely interested in having ‘funny joke sex.’ Whatever the fuck that means)

“Hungry Hohoes – 22″ (considering he’s twenty-two, this guy kind of has an excuse for being a moron, but if you’re gonna be the type of douchebag who uses terminology that degrades women, at least have the common courtesy to remember that ‘hoes’ are gardening tools, not girls that put out. i mean, come on…)

“LET’S GET MARRIED! JUST FOR FUN! – 32″ (interested to see if this guy was for real or for creepy, I clicked on the link. He was serious. i immediately pressed my browser’s back button.)

“Lookin fo a ho fo sho – 25″ (I have a lot to say about this one. But, I find that a commentary is totally not needed here. ’nuff said.)

“let’s smoke a bowl and watch a movie – 28″ (what a prince. can we watch old nirvana videos, and talk about what genius kurt was, too?! sorry, sorry, i know that’s harsh. i’m sure he’s up there kickin’ it hard with tupac, so it’s cool.)

I finally found two ads (out of over 2,000) I felt were worthy of a personal email from yours truly. I’m not at all surprised, however, that I haven’t heard back from either of them. I didn’t attach my picture because for a brief interlude of a second i actually thought that pure wit and charm could make me stick out. You see, I plum fergot that I live in los angeles and that you are nothing without the image you come with.

In conclusion, this experiment totally sucks thus far from this coast of west. But, as a committed craigslistdisslist-er, I will continue to search amongst the most baffling headlines for that one response needed to check this assignment off. Until then, I’m going to practice taking somewhat deceiving self portraits of myself with my iPone for my prospects that make my tits look big and my ass look small. I will also be taking up anorexia nervosa. wish me luck.