CraigslistDisslist

Looking for a suitable date on Craigslist is not an easy task. It requires patience and dedication, much like shopping in a thrift store. When one shops among used clothing, there is the understanding that there will be many moth-eaten sweaters and wonky fits of dresses to sift through before the perfect item is found. And even then, since it’s an item that’s already been worn you’re dealing with, you must treat the item with care and patience to get it in a good enough condition to actually wear. Such is the case when looking through these ads.

There are hundreds of ads to view, and those are just the ones with pictures. Within these ads, you find the serial posters. As I scrolled through the posts back to a week ago, I noticed there is one particular guy here who posts two posts every single day. One of his posts claims he’s looking for a girl he can talk to and cuddle with, someone he can call a girlfriend. The other post states that he wants nothing serious at all, just a friend with benefits. How do I know it’s the same guy? A) His posts are exactly the same titles and content, and B) He uses the same picture, every post, twice a day. Either he’s got a steady stream of women, or absolutely no takers. I think you know which one it is.

He’s not the only one who posts regularly. In just a week, I would say that roughly half of the posts were copied and pasted for a new day. I get it – the guys want to be at the top of the pile, and if that means posting a bunch of times, so be it. Within the posts, there are about seven types of themes, of which I’ll equate with thrift store apparel:

Angry Ads These guys are angry. They make it clear that they want “NO. DRAMA.” and they want a woman who can appreciate them for who they are and not be demanding. Don’t you dare ask them what they feel like doing on a rainy day, that’s very annoying to them. You better have your own ideas, know who you are and make your own money. But don’t insult them by not letting them be a man about things around the house and for the right girl, they’re willing to lavish them with presents and are always ready to cook for them. Who knew Craigslist was the place to find gourmet chefs? These guys are obviously still very hurt from their last, or last several, relationships. No thank you. Sorry, since I’m human, I have to deal with my own emotions, I hope y’all figure it out.

The Angry dude is the sweater in the thrift store with too much wear and tear.

High Expectation Ads Just as I am scrolling through these ads and pictures and making snap judgments about them, I understand that it’s important for these guys to be upfront about what they know they like, and I actually don’t have a problem with a man stating age requirements or general body types. But these guys are seriously demanding – you MUST: like art, love to travel, be easygoing, have a great sense of humor, be sensitive, know how to roll with the punches, be willing to stay in, ready to go out, read the Economist, discuss politics, be playful, be adorable, don’t watch any tv, like his tv shows, know how to garden, be understanding of their video game addiction, love to watch sports, love the outdoors, have opinions but not too many, UGH.

The High Expectation dude is the sweater with snot green in it that will never be sold.

Meatheads All ads include pictures of their manly chests and a detailed schedule of their workouts.

The Meathead is that oversized shirt with the bikini painted on it that you would never be caught in public with.

Sheepish Ads These guys are cuddly, nerdy, and really down on themselves. You click on their ad, and you see a decent looking guy. Then you read the ad that explains why they’re unlovable. They claim they’re happy with who they are, and then spend the rest of the post apologizing for being who they are. They are very sensitive creatures and are ready to open up and show you their world and pray really hard that you will feel the same. I wish them the best of luck.

The Sheepish dude is that dress that you check out, but ultimately put back on the shelf.

Sexual Being Ads On Craigslist, there is a category entitled “Casual Encounters”. In that section, you will find men ready to pay a woman to clean for him, stomp on him, be a submissive, be dominating, pee on him, get peed on, have a one night stand, have a one night stand with him and all his buddies. And there will always be a picture of wang. Lots and lots of wang. It would be up to you to discover if that was actually his wang in the picture. These ads have no business in the category of men for women. This is actually the majority of ads in the Men for Women section. Wang pics. So many wang pics. This makes it difficult to look at these damn posts at work. I click on an ad that says “Maybe a ballgame?” and the ad is a picture of a wang: “maybe some wieners at the game?” Okay, I admit it – I laughed at that.

The Sexual Being Ad is that skirt with the weird smelly stain on it.

Well-adjusted Ads There is “absolutely nothing wrong” with these guys. The pics are always of them skydiving, standing in front of their hot car, or in another country, or at a club surrounded by hot gals. They always love to travel, art, and reading. They have MBAs and lead full productive lives with many adventures, and of course are ready to cook. They are looking on a free website for a woman because they are sick of the club scene (yet they always describe their perfect girl as someone you just might see in a douche-y club). Give me. A break.

The Well-adjusted dude is the outdated business suit in mint condition.

The Ones I Chose These guys didn’t say much in their posts. Each one said just one thing that caught my attention. Like the guy who was blunt – his picture was really cute and he stated he wanted to hang out (it helped that he lives in my neighborhood). There was the guy who clearly had a good sense of humor with a cute pic. That guy who has the same taste in music as me. Each of the seven guys I chose just had that something that made me write them.

The Ones I Chose are the dresses that look good at the store, but you still have to dry-clean them and see how they feel once you’re at home.

So then I wrote these guys, and I’m waiting.