CraigslistDisslist

I saw the beginning of NY Vixen’s post and felt compelled to blog it up also. I purposely didn’t read her blog to make sure my ideas were my own, but if I repeat any of her sentiments, well, that is why we are friends. We GET things about one another. With that said, it will probably be completely different, just like our taste in men (HALLELUJAH!).

I have to say that I feel more confused right now than (possibly) ever before. A year out of a marriage, a recent heartache and living in a city I don’t fit into has made my typically strong root structure shrivel. The man that told me I needed to be dating other people, which set this whole blogging shebang in motion, is not in love with me and is clear he won’t fall in love with me when there are 1000 miles between us. That is his will. He is right in that I have to focus on setting up shop in DM. I just don’t want to, like a 6 year old in the toy store, stomping my feet, I don’t want to. I don’t see my place here, don’t see how I fit and holding onto him is like blowing kisses into smoky air. The sentiment is sweet, but the intended destination is obscured.

Long distance relationships are funny. They involve fantasy and romance, delusion and truth. They make one rely on oneself because physically you are alone. They whisper tidings of perfect futures and lull you into the belief that this COULD work out, if only you are able to surf on faith until next you fall into one another’s arms. I have the (mis)fortune of having a history that includes marrying a fellow I was in a long distance relationship with, so my faith that it can work out is a little intense, regardless of the fact it ended six years later.

I love love. I love the mystery of love. I love the passion of two people uniting their defects into a common purpose. Love should burst onto the scene as it does in True Romance, a straight forward explosion like Clarence and Alabama feel as they huddle in front of a billboard in the early hours of morning. Transversely, I also love quiet love. The kind that creeps around your heart like ivy on a brick wall. The best example is a movie I saw where he was watching her brush her teeth and with each stroke, realized she was for him. How can you not swoon when you recognize love in the mundane? Is this belief slightly ridiculous since I am not a teenager anymore? Of COURSE, but there is something innate in me that is in love with the force of love: real, pretend or hopeful.

Let me be clear that my dating modus operandi is to date men I have been friends with for years. I have never understood how to meet someone in a bar and build from there. Before I even go on a date, I want to know if his words and his actions match, does he love his mother? I like knowing his wit and past girlfriends and hopes and failings. I like pre-knowing how he takes his coffee, if he smokes, if he colors in coloring books, if he votes and what kind of music he likes. Perhaps this is because I know that I am a bit much to deal with… I fear for and want to protect the innocents… ‘maybe I’m just 2 demanding, maybe I’m just like my father 2 bold’

(Sorry, I had a little Prince moment there. 1 Minute Dance Party!!!!!)

So this recently ended experiment with long distance love confirmed something I had heard, but never previously experienced. When you get to have sex and share and grow with your best friend, it is amazing. Not that I wasn’t friendly friends with my formers, I absolutely was… but they were never a best friend. I could sit and talk to Mr. Long Distance for hours and laugh until my face hurt… I felt cared for and listened to and that he valued what I had to say… so this is a new bar for my next face-to-face relationship. Maybe it sounds like something I should have already learned by now, but I don’t always control when I am going to be ready to accept a lesson.

I am terrified to date. I am excited to date. I want to shut down the judgment committee and rake in the opinions. I am excited to grow up a bit more and have fun and not take the whole thing too seriously, while taking the people I go out with seriously. Call it a sociological experiment, call it a mean, call it full frontal living, we three are just trying to find someone to fit with… because when you fit, you can really grow.