CraigslistDisslist

by: LosAngelesProseur

i wrote the proceeding list before I wrote this prelude. When I was done typing it out, I read it and found myself feeling somewhat empty. As far as internet dating is concerned, craigslist is the bottom of the barrel. So, then who is the true asshole? The craigslist poster who is expected to come off as a [somewhat?] un:educated/attractive/interesting/popular/cool individual OR the craigslist voyeur who holds herself above the lives of these virtual personalities yet continues to scrutinize and examine the nooks and crannies of each and every post – pressing the refresh button on her window’s browser frequently to see if anything new has popped up in the last 12 and a half minutes – and still can’t manage to get a date because she refuses to lower herself to ‘these people’s’ level?

As of right now, I’ve only written to three guys. One wrote me back with a hyperlink to his myspace page – which I vigorously clicked on with a great anticipation of the possibilities that might lie between my email box and the former web address. He seemed compelling enough, considering he wrote an ad that I actually responded to, but when I looked at his myspace page, my heart dropped and my lips curled into a sneer. He wasn’t ugly, but he definitely wasn’t the kind of guy I’d turn my head while standing in line at a coffee shop until he caught my gaze. What I found more bizarre was that the ultimate turnoff wasn’t his looks, but the appalling profile song he had up – I think it was Marley? That alone gave me all the information necessary to know that it would never work between us. Ever.

I haven’t written him back.

But WHY haven’t I? He seemed nice enough. He was witty. Funny. In a graduate program. I didn’t hold back on banter in my email to him and he retorted with quick tongue and pen. Or keyboard, rather. What is it about the internet that makes someone who I would never be attracted to come off as intriguing? And then, as soon as I add a face and musical taste into the equation I’m immediately disgusted and completely over it?

All in all, this experience is proving a much more intrapersonal then I thought. I’m having a hard time looking at how shallow I actually am – this project is throwing it right in my face and it’s making me sick to my stomach. Not to mention that the one in-person guy that I’ve been ‘dating’ for the last several months found out about this blog (and read it) which made for an extremely colorful and interesting phone conversation the other night.

here’s the original list i started out with:

How to get me NOT to respond to your Craigslist Ad

1. writing ‘u’ instead of ‘you.’ it’s only two extra letters and when you use them, you don’t come off looking like a moron.

2. LOL – this is never an appropriate acronym to use. it only makes you come off uncomfortable and unsure of yourself.

3. a picture of you – taken from a shitty camera phone while you stand in front of a mirror – that shows off your six pack but not your face because it’s cropped at the neck. I equate boys who take pictures of their muscles with boredom so it does nothing for me. next.

4. inexcusable misspellings of elementary words

4a. confusing their, there and they’re – I effin’ hate that shit.

5. asking if I want to ‘chat.’ No. I’m already embarrassed enough about looking for a date on craigslist. The idea of im-ing someone I don’t know makes me feel even more pathetic.

6. the guy who wrote this:

“I am in very good shape, 6′1, 180, smooth, fit and athletic…I’d like to put your head in my hands as I grab your hair and nestle you in between my legs and feed you my throbbing, hard shaft, giving you a little at a time, feeling you suck and lick as I probe your willing mouth…at first gently, then with ever increasing urgency as you yield, submit and surrender to my sweet thick probing manhood as I fu%k your mouth with the passion that you crave and haven’t experienced lately.” (you have 7 days to write this fucker before his cl email address expires, in case you’re bored at work – pers-698694444@craigslist.org)

7. offering me money to sleep with you. I’m sure you’re a real charmer.

8. stating that you are married. I’ve dated my share of married men. Over it.

9. have a picture where you’re wearing dickies. Sorry. Did that too. When I was 14.

10. if your picture makes it obvious that you’re balding. I think we’re all allowed one superficial deal breaker and this is most definitely mine.