CraigslistDisslist

by: LosAngelesProseur

Dating in LA isn’t hard. It’s super easy if you like boys in dior sunglasses and 80 dollar t-shirts with unnecessary Chinese dragon graffiti ‘art’ plastered all over them. It’s even easier if you want to date a boy who is in a shitty rock ‘band’ with a messenger cap, painted on jeans and an eating disorder. No, it’s not hard at all. It’s just impossible to do if you have standards.

I don’t even think I’m snobbish, per se, I would just like to go on a date that comes with a normal – symmetrical – haircut and without hectic and embroidered back jean pockets. Is that even considered a ’standard’? I always just thought that was using my fucking common sense. Then again, I WAS raised outside of Berkeley which, simply translated, means I speak a different language than many a dweller down here. With words that include ‘nature,’ ‘trees,’ and ‘hillary clinton,’ my vocabulary tends to leave your typical los angeleno with a facial expression that resembles a look you’d find on a confused rehab patient with two days off of various analgesic drugs.

Not ONCE have I responded to a personal ad on craigslist. considering how much time i spend on that vortex of a website, the latter statement appears to be one so implausible that it’s up there with the almost trite “I never do this on a first date” lie that some way too hot drunk chick tells you as she unbuttons your pants (while one hand is tied behind her back and the other is texting her friend) and gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had. Just an FYI, fellas – as a general rule, all girls who give great head on the first date are liars and will definitely do one of two things:

1. break your heart.
2. sleep with a stuffed animal on their bed.

Not me, though. I never give good head on the first date. only horrific head. the part of me that needs therapy truly believes that using my teeth shows how honest i am and that i will make a really great mother someday.

ANYWAY, Read the rest of this entry »